i have returned with just as many jumbled thoughts and hopeless desires.

the day that hunger became happiness was the day i lost myself.

i shouldn’t be, but:

i’m getting used to this.

i’m running on diet coke and sugar-free gum.

i’m changing this body.

i used to be a small thing, with big eyes and soft hair. i used to be golden, shining.

i used to have nightmares of falling. i used to worry about monsters under my bed and what i was going to be when i grew up.

i’ve changed. i’m now this awkward thing, with worried eyes and dull hair. i’m gray, sullen.

i have nightmares where the numbers on the scale are flying upwards and i cannot stop it. i worry about the monsters in my own head, and being healthy enough to go to college.

where is that innocent child? did i replace her, or did the change happen so gradually i didn’t notice?

either way, things will never, ever, be the same.